For Mommy

People asked me why I took this on myself. To me, it was an intuitive decision. A given. No real thought went into it, no real premeditation... It is just a natural reflection of the woman I had become and of the community I belong to.

And yet.
There is so much more.

It is for Mommy. First and foremost, it is the very least I can offer now. A tribute, a gift- to the woman who birthed and raised me, the woman who gave life to my goals and dreams. Of course, there is no forgetting her. And yet. This is an active remembering. Three times a day, I summon her memory and her face appears before my eyes and becomes my absolute focus. Nothing else, no one else, just her. That which I couldn't bestow on her in life becomes my debt to her now that she is gone.

And then there are the days where all I want to do is stay in bed and hide in the comforting folds of my blankets. But the Kaddish won't recite itself. It is the push I need to get up and face the world. Get dressed. Comb my hair. It provides a structure and a stability to my days that might otherwise collapse under the weight of sadness and longing and missing her.

So I show up. Every morning, afternoon and evening. Sometimes my mood is better, sometimes worse. Sometimes the words hold meaning, sometimes they are rote. Always, they are my anchor.